Like my last post... pessimistic. To be honest  I guess.

Love.

Its like a disease and a drug. You crave it, you want it when you are no longer in it. When you are in it, when you 'have' it. The things it does to you are like you are infected. True love is beautiful, when its not all consuming, when its the love of a child, or a family member, the love of a puppy, (i love my puppy).

I recall a few posts back I told you all about this one guy I was once in love with. Where it didnt work out, but he was one of my good friends, I wasnt crushed, I just wanted him to be happy. I was clearly upset. But not consumed by him not wanting the same thing. I just wanted my friend to be happy and if it wasnt with me, so be it. Just as long as he was happy...

So I again recall the most recent love. The man in the millitary. Its over. 100% officially over.

When we first had our talk and he just ended the conversation on a whim, just vanished, like he does and is so good at. I was hysterical. In tears. I can honestly say I have never cried so hard in my life, it was like I was mortally wounded. I was in so much physical pain from this emotional state. Physically I felt like I was going to vomit, pass out and then die. I was hurting inside, my organs felt pain.

Why is that love different? Why was/am I so distraught over Mr Millitary and not the friend?

I guess I had thought I had a future with Mr. Millitary. I had this perfect fantasy life I was living in my head, being so far from him thats all it ever was. He was a perfect version of him in my head and when he didnt live up to that fantasy, my world, my fantasy world ceased to exist. So imagine having your entire belief system proven to be wrong. You lived a lie your entire life. Thats how I felt. Thats how I feel.

Sometimes I dont care, I know its for the best, If he really loved me he wouldnt have been so mean, so inconsiderate, so just plain awful. But it didnt start out that way. He was perfection. He made me fall for him some how, so clearly to start he was fantastic. So what happened? Where did the man I fell in love with go off to? Was he real? or was he pretending? Thats what I think hurts the most.

You have something so prefect. Something real, and then it turned out to be fake, or it just leaves with no explination. Why were you so loving then and now for no reason you are this different awful person? Why?

Thinking you had a future, thinking "this is the man I am going to marry and love forever". when things felt to right, how could I have been so wrong, so blind? It was the fantasy world I created. Sure he was perfect in the beginning. They all are. But when things slowly started to go down hill, i resorted to the fantasy world to hide from the truth. Id fantasize about me living there, with him, us being happy. Us having a life. In love. This fantasy world was what I was clinging to, it was never real. Was he?

So many unanswered questions, and I assume they will stay that way. Which hurts, Id like to know why. Id like to know what happened?Why the sudden change. But I assume it will just hurt me more to hear it all coming from him. I dont need to put myself in that type of hurt any more.

But a huge part of me just needs to know why.

Why is that?

Ever been in love?

I mean so in love it hurts? Been there done that.

But what about being in love with someone you cant have. A friend. But you are so in love with them you dont mind that it will never happen, you just want to see him happy. I have this friend. We will call him "sawyer" he likes the character off of lost so its fitting. Sawyer and I met in University. I hated him before I got to know him. He gave me a hard time in class once. Long story.

We eventually started talking, became friends. He was there for me when I went thru a bad breakup. I was there for him when he went thru the same thing with his ex. We got close. We share pretty much everything, issues with guys/girls school and friends. Best friends that never really hang out. We only really talk on msn cause he goes to school about 60 miles away now.

Well for a while we had a 'thing' the thing didnt last long, it was casual, we never slept together, it was pretty innocent. I think thats why I fell for him, he didnt push it. Most guys do. Hes sweet, funny, cute and a good friend.

I was so in love with him, I mean I more than anything wanted a relationship with this guy. But when I approached him about my feelings, mind you I didnt say I was in love, I just made it clear there were feelings. He turned me down, Sweetly mind you. He said he loved me but as a friend, and though he was attracted to me those 'feelings' just werent there.

I was hurt, but his honesty meant so much to me. I think I was okay with it cause I really just want to see him happy. I would have loved it to be with me, but if not, seeing him happy was enoough.

Sawyer and I are still spectacular friends. We are chatting now. As I write this.

Then this is where I dont understand the love where it hurts so much. I mean shouldnt I want the guy, as posted about in previous posts, shouldnt I want him to be happy? I love him, I want everything with him. Marrage all of it. So why am I so hurt at the way things are happening? Is it that things arent resolved? What if they were and he just ended things I know I would be torn possibly more than I am now?

Whats the difference?

Yeah, for now I guess...

This morning I had a doctors appointment, one that I was dreading, and rightly so. I had a Colposcopy. Click the link if you wish to know more. I dont want to go too much in depth on it cause it turns out its not as bad as my doctor had  lead me to believe, so I sigh with relief. But that all depends on my biopsy results and the results of my 3rd pap test. I might need treatment, and its not pretty. But I dont think that I have much to worry about right now. So thats a good thing for sure.

With the guy. It was his 23rd b-day on the 6th. We had words. Not much since he was on his way out.

I spoke to him on Saturday night and I almost ended things, I was in tears and fed up with how I was being treated. The jist of the convo was me telling him we dont really get the perks of a normal relationship, being 800 miles apart its difficult to say the least. I need more from him. I understand his responsibilities and I understand that I am not the most important thing to him right now. I understand, doesnt mean I like it. But I understand he has other people lives to worry about when he goes back to Iraq next march, He has bigger issues. Compared to my life, its different. Not something I am used to.

He likes to keep things to himself. I mean all I want to do all day is talk to him, tell him about my day, how dull it was who pissed me off etc. He doesnt even fill me in on when something huge happens, when something life changing happens, hell he got promoted and I didnt know. So I layed it out, and his responce was "k ur right i understand i will try to be more attentive and talk to u more not casue u are telling me but cuase ur right"

Im sorry what? DO you have any idae how satisfying it is to hear that. I mean I want things to work out so badly, I jsut want him to be placing in the same effort that I am, or at least attempt to.

Double standards. Hypocrites.

Guys I am talking about. One in particular. I was on the phone with the guy, just got off actually, and it went badly. We got in to a discussion on how he was going back to Iraq in March of next year for a year. I can deal with that, I can. But i get upset over it clearly cause hes going to be put in such danger, I have things on my mind, that i dont really want to talk to him about just yet.

He gets all pissy. B/c I dont want to tell him whats wrong. Yet when I ask him why hes been acting weird and different for the past 2 months he shuts up and wont say a word, and acts like I am crazy or something like I dont feel what I feel. like what I am sensing is all worng.

Why is it ok for him to act this way but if i do it its a huge deal and its me trying to ruin our relatiosnhip. WHAT? right this is me ruining everything but you can do it no questions asked. Thanks fair is fair isnt it?

I hate this double standard like he can do no wrong but the second i open my mouth its a whole world of wrong. So not fair. He needs to get off his high horse and back on this level cause its not doing him any good acting like hes above it all. superior my ass. hes got this complex, i see it now. When hes all joking and sarcastic its ok. its fun even. sometimes I admit i take it the wrong way sometimes he goes too far. but the min i have sarcasm, its like im a horrible awful person and I dont care about him at all.

you have to be kidding me right?

I dont know how much longer I can take this I mean I love him but when is enough enough? im sick of crying.

So I think things have been worked out between myself and the guy.

I mean what can I do, I am in love with this guy, and I know he loves me, even though some of his actions lately have been less than considerate. I mean part of me has to understand things are going to be tough. He even stated this before we got involved. He pretty much said thats exact thing. "things will be hard, worse than that alot of the time, If you think you cant handle it, dont let things go any further." and I fell for him and I was stuck. So its not like I have a choice in the matter.

Love sucks that way, its like fire, consumes all of the available energy, its so beautiful, its warm, provides everything you will ever really need in life, but you can always get burned if you arent careful. I just thought of that... insightful? No?

Anyways, he will be home on Tuesday for surgery, and then his 23rd Birthday is on the 6th of October. I want to be there for his b-day but it would only be for 3 days, and I am planning a full week in November. A full week. GOSH!

I mean we dont get the regular things that all other relationships get. Time spent. getting to know eachother fully inside and out. to see if we get sick of eachother. But i like our situation in some respects. I mean I know he loves me for me, my personality, not just cause of how i look or cause of "status" or any of that crap. I mean he could be with any random cute girl in Fayetteville, and have that time spent, but he chooses this, something tough. I dont think I give him enough credit for that choice.

I hate the distance, i want to be only with him. i am not attracted to anyone else ever anymore, I mean i go out with my girls and guys have hit on me guys that used to be my type and i dont look twice, even when i was unsure with where he was and what was going on... I think I am ruinded for the rest of my life if this doesnt work out. I wont be attracted to anyone the way I am attracted to him.

Heres hoping it does work out!!

So I finally heard from the guy.

I yelled, and a lot.

I almost feel guilty for half of it but at the same time I was put through some crap from him.

I know he was in training, he said he was going to leave. What I dotn understand is why he couldnt let me know he was leaving. Thats why I am angry and hurt.

The second half is the other 2 weeks he was gone. He was deployed to Louisiana. He has been there 2 weeks now... He will be back on Fort Bragg by tuesday if all things go well, he is going to be having surgery on his shoulder when he gets back. I feel guilty a little for being so angry at him while he was helping people. Being there during everything.

But at the same time, he didnt tell me whe he was going to his training. I mean it doesnt take much to call me to let me know, email me or text me, just let me know so i dont worry. We still have to talk more to work that issue out. I am still angry. But I love him, this is the guy I want to Marry. I am not giving up with out a fight.

I just hate crying. I was on the phone with him and the entire time I was in tears.

So I am about to call him and talk things out some more. wish me luck.

No really...

I am serious here, I get paid to go to the bank. I get paid to run errands, I get paid to sleep. I love my job and I am sad that is only seasonal. :(

But anyways We did a lot of nothing today and the day just FLEW by! Fan tastic. gets my mind off of other crap. The upcoming move of the roomate, eeek. The new one will be good. I am upset that things had to go the way they did, we were good friend for such a long time but stealing or at least attempting to and the lying, thats not something you recover from. Sorry, but thats kinda how it works. But i mean we are "friendish" but not like we were. Sad but life goes on.

Things suck as in I am so tired lately, all the runnng around I have been doing after work, Biking home, The Gym, preparations for the new roomie... its starting to affect my sanity. ha, really like i sleep, and i have such realistic dreams sometimes i think did that really happen or did I dream it. weird but confusing somewhat.

I hate people online who use you for their own selfishness. Ok not to toot my own horn here but I liek to think I have some talent when it comes to images and building attractive web sites. Hell I ahve been doing it for over 5 years so hopefully I have improved and i continue to do so.

I get e-mails from people telling me they love my sites and what not so I am going to assume that I at least am up there with some of the best.

Its not all that great. People mail you and IM you asking for favors. Do I know you? Have you done anything nice for me? I used to help people out and then people started to get greedy and I stopped.

Recently I had and i emphisize HAD... a "friend" an online contact... come to me with a site proposal. To cut things short I put this site on my server. I was going thru the ftp the other day to clean somethings out that werent needed anymore and I discover this person in question was abusing my kindness. Stealing bandwidth, which I was wondering how my sites were using so much. This person with out my approval was making subdomains and sites and using my ftp and my server space as storage and hot linking images.

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!!

I have had people steal images, try to pass them off as their own, never had some one do this before, I mean this is supposed to be a "friend"

I am in shock! Like really.

SO i deleted the package, the entire site, I really dont care if they lost any files, I didnt save anything. I mean this space was taking up over 35% of my bandwidth and I had no idea what was the issue, so i went to delete some things and poof! so many things that i am shocked and appauled. almost annoyed and discusted!

Lately my life sucks.

Lets start from the beginning. I will remind you all that this is going to be long. Sorry for the essay.

Back in June I was on AIM and I was minding my own business. Well I was possibly working on an image or somehting along those lines. I have a profile on one of those get to know ppl sites. I had it in a web designer community and I got a random message from someone on AIM. Being the jerk I am I was rude to this person. I usually get random guys messaging me telling me that they think Im hot and they want to talk to me for some reason unknown to me. I dont get that. Wanting to talk to some one online just cause you like the way they look. its a strange world to me.

Anyways I digress.

This guy messages me and says: " i saw your profile and it made me want to msg you, I really love your attitude and what you had to say" I was rude, told him I was a jerk sna dhe would be better of not talking to me. This is me putting a guard up, i dont fit well with new people I dont trust them.

So he continues to take the torture that is talking to me online for the first time if you arent a web designer or artist or blogger. ( i love talking to other webbies >> learning new things is great) he goes on telling me how refreshing it was to read what i had to say on this profile (which is now deleted BTW) So i conclude he isnt a pill and open up a bit and we started talking a bit.

I have some of the msn chat since we moved it over there since i use it more tha AIM. here is a snippet so you have an idea. My screen nam is "not impressed"

[03:25:59 PM] not impressed: hi
[03:26:04 PM] maverick: hello u
[03:26:21 PM] not impressed: i use msn more than AIM
[03:26:24 PM] maverick: k
[03:26:26 PM] maverick: then we can talk here
[03:26:30 PM] not impressed: yes we can
[03:27:45 PM] maverick: so tell me about urself
[03:27:57 PM] not impressed: what would you like to know ?
[03:28:07 PM] maverick: what really drives u
[03:28:18 PM] maverick: what u desire out of life

So you can see that his line of questioning was clearly different from most peopl eonline or most obviously preverted guys. (ps hes not a perv.)

So fastforward. We started talking regularly. Daily even. Eventually we started talking on the phone. Mind you we exchanged pics and OMG smokin hot. We also talked on cam, helps see that the pics arent fake.

He lives on Fort Bragg, hes in the military.

I never thought it would or could happen to me but just from talking to this guy for a few months, on the phone and on cam, I fell head over heals. Not like creepy or anything... I mean I had never had anyone speak to me the way he did. so up front honest and very open with everything. it was mutual.

OMG i fell for someone online. How fucked up is that. I used to make fun of dating sites and all of that saying its a scam, some are but you know you can really feel something for someone the conversation was so amazing.

You need to get this I am not impulsive. I plan everything. I ended up flying to NC to meet him. I know i know i still cant believe i did it too. It was the best weekend I have ever had. I have never been so in love in my life, I have been i love but its never felt so right. so like we just fit. like we were made for eachother. i have never felt so safe, it was nice to have something worth losing again. I dont belive in the "made for eachother thing" but thats how it felt.

when i got home he had to go away for a while so it was sparatic talking he had some friends who were going back to iraq and wanted to spend some time with them before they left. and then all of the sudden he dissapears for a week and i dont know why? no phone calls, not online nothing.

And you need to realize we talk daily, text msgs on the phone calls voice mail and online. NOT a word for a week and a few days. I was beside myself not knowing what happened to him espically with how fast things change in the military, i was afraid he got called back to Iraq, he has been before.

finally he comes online and we get in to it.

[07:43:13 PM] maverick: im scared
[07:43:28 PM] from the inside: why cant to tell me these things you are
              supposed to be able to
[07:43:35 PM] from the inside:  and scared about what?
[07:44:02 PM] maverick: well
[07:44:12 PM] maverick: its difficult
[07:44:28 PM] from the inside: how
[07:44:39 PM] maverick: i have never in my life been in this postion
              before
[07:44:42 PM] maverick: met anyone
[07:44:43 PM] maverick: perfect
[07:44:44 PM] maverick: as u
[07:44:48 PM] maverick: who i felt so intuned with
[07:44:53 PM] maverick: so like meant
[07:45:01 PM] maverick: where she made me feel whole
[07:45:05 PM] maverick: and i wanna have u forever
[07:45:13 PM] maverick: but im scared that all this isn't real

so as you can see i forgave him his exscuse wasnt what i wanted to hear, but still its valid enough i guess....

so its happened again. he vanished again... for the past 3 weeks not a word. I know he was going to training sometime in  september but he didnt even have the nerve to let me know, let me k now so i wouldnt worry. I mean how inconsiderate is that. you are just going to vanish in thin air, do i not matter anymore
? I dont get it. if you care about some one and you are gonna go away for an undisclosed amount of time isnt your first thought to let them know? not just so they know but so they dont worry them selves sick?

I dont know what to do or what to think i have e-mailed him and pretty much layed it all on the table, how i feel waht i want and that was 2 weeks ago. not a response. i understand he might still be gone. but why not tell me. im so hurt by this. like i feel broken. hollow. like im dying. its horrible to have this feeling all day long and not know where you stand in a relationship. let alone when you are 800 miles from eachother. we had made plans for me to move there if things were still on track in a year or so... like we had actual plans. he told me he wanted to marry me. he talks to his mom about me calling me is future wife. and he goes and does this?

can you say hurt, confused? i dont know what to do or think and i have issues with friends right now and i have no one to really talk to.

dailin  has been fantastic. I dont know what i would do with out her in my life, shes like my best friend. online sister type, she has no idea what she means to me.

So I have some disturbing news.

Some of you who have read this before, know that I have been having issues with my best friend and roomate. We have been living together for a year now, and well I posted before how selfish she is. Things just got a hell of a lot worse.

3 weeks ago I was shcecking my banking online, when I was more than shocked to see that my one account was $ -500 or so dollars. You see I only use this one account for paying rent and other bills, I never keep more than I need in there, I dont collect interest so its kind of stupid to keep money here. So I checked my transactions and there was a cheque that was written, one of my cheques for $700.00

I was confused, I had not nor have I ever writtn a cheque for $700 ever in my entire life. So good thing I dont keep much money in this account cause I would have been out $700.00. Needless to say the cheque bounced cause of my "system" of only having the money i need to use in this account.

The story gets better...

A few days ago the woman we rent off of came here saying that my cheque bounced. I pay $275. /mo for my half of the rent. and I told her that none of my cheques have bounced and I invited her in to view my online banking statements. She then tells me that it was my $700 cheque. I then tell her that she is mistaken I have never written a cheque for $700 for anyone let alone her.

Then she tells me that My roomate had discussed things with me and I agreed to pay her half with my money. WTF? this conversation never happened between Chantelle and I. Never.

I and the woman came to an agreement, she was to come back later with the cheque so I could see it. I needed to know who forged my signature and stole from me.

So when Chantelle came home I confronted her, she denies everything. I was confused, I then thought ok maybe she is telling the truth she is my best friend how could she do that to me??

Later on Mrs Reid comes back with the returned cheque and guess what. Discuised handwriting, yet I am not stupid it was chantelles hand writing! Mrs Reid agreed to photo copy the cheque for me so that I could take it to my bank and raise hell for approving a cheque that didnt even look like my hand writing. It wasnt even close.

Chantelle and I then get in to it over msn. I dont know why, she cant speak to me face to face. I went to my room to think after she left, and then she messages me, and yes we were 20 ft away from eachother... here is the convo:

[09:50:33 PM] Chantelle: I DIDNT STEAL FROM YOU
[09:51:00 PM] Diana: All you had to do was ask, you know i
              would give you anything you needed
[09:51:07 PM] Chantelle: you are my bestest friend in the whole world,
              and i would never do that to you......anytime i have
              ever needed money from you i have asked
[09:51:31 PM] Chantelle: believe what you want
[09:51:39 PM] Chantelle: i feel sick to my stomach
[09:52:01 PM] Diana: i know but it was your hand writing.  what
              am i supposed to think? You know i would give you the
              world if i could
[09:52:15 PM] Chantelle: IT WAS NOT my handwritng!!!
[09:52:22 PM] Diana: chantelle who wrote it then
[09:52:23 PM] Chantelle: she had one of my checks right there!!
[09:52:57 PM] Diana: then how did she get it?
[09:53:06 PM] Chantelle: i dont know Diana
[09:53:06 PM] Diana: you know i love you and would do anything for you
[09:53:18 PM] Diana: why are we doing this on msn?
[09:53:38 PM] Chantelle: i know you do....and i i know you would.......and i have always asked when i needed your help
[09:54:01 PM] Chantelle: maybe i should just move out
[09:54:05 PM] Diana: no
[09:54:13 PM] Chantelle: then maybe you'll know that i wouldnt steal from you
[09:54:50 PM] Diana: i know you wouldnt, but i dont know who would put that there, who would write a cheque to him
[09:55:25 PM] Chantelle: i dont know

So she lies to me, right to my face even when i got up and went to her room. The thing I dont get is why? I know I will be killing myself over this, but she has asked me for $ before and I have always given it to her, anything she needs she always gets, I dont know why she had to steal from me.

You might say maybe it wasnt her. Well we live together, she is the only one who knows where my stuff is. The cheque was written to Mrs. Reids Son, for the exact amount she owed. Who else would write a cheque to him for the exact amount and give it to Mrs. Reid? Its simple Logic. All she had to do was ask. Or even when I asked her the other day was appologize, say she was in a bind and didnt know what to do, say she did something stupid and it would have been over. Now I cant ever trust her again. She stole from me, or at least tried to. I can understand the embarrasment, but I am supposed to be her best friend. I dont know waht to think. Or do, when Our lease is up I am going to find a palce on my own, or possibly move back home if I cant find a place to live at a decent price. Or if I can find a decent price find a new roomate... and have a lock on my door!

I dont know what to say, or think right now, its like everything I have ever known is a fraud. Its scary.